Friday, September 14, 2001
I've been grinding my teeth all day, shot through with the sort of angst I haven't felt in a long time. I know it's blind anger and I'm shoving it down, it's overload and I'm shoving it down. It's how I deal, and sometimes that's just the way it is. I know it's nothing compared to people who feel like the walking dead, carrying their loss on mini posters. I wish I could take their hands in the dark and lead them, help them to gain peace and understanding, renew their faith, but how? I often feel lost and inept these days, not knowing. The stories from television are gut wrenching, they sting and hurt. I try to have courage for those who have lost their's, or the heroic workers who haven't slept in days and need to go on. I try to collectively send them spirit and power. I pray but it doesn't make it go away, it just means that this great big machine of insanity will roll on and in some odd way, I guess it needs to do so. Today, several glimpses of heroic acts, even strength. Small acts like the fireman that ran up to my car while waiting in traffic, asking for donations, I just gave him what I had in my pocket, what was crumpled and loose, no questions. The boot carrying the donations was filled and overflowing, evidence of how generous people can be. All over the city, I could hear people singing, holding hands, attending temple or church, holding in their thoughts, those whom we call brother and sister. I walked through the art museum, less for amusement, more for a reminder that things get created, not destroyed. The visit renewed my commitment to 'making' now, stop putting off...doing. Oh the simple joy of a visiting curator smiling, in line at the museum cafeteria, laughing, because they had bottled lemonade and it reminded her of being a little girl and growing up in Ohio. The sound of air planes, chatter and the smell of pretzels and hot dogs on the street corners. Coffee and small talk outside, upward the sky, was all Vermeer, glowing Autumn clouds all day long. I wore red white and blue today, and was proud. Nearby, The Frank Gehry building is racing to completion and it is a marvel, it soars to new heights and makes me laugh, renewing my faith in what man can achieve. Everyone is heart heavy, candles burn on the porches in neighborhoods, but I think, no, I KNOW we are going to be alright, it's just going to take some time.
8:58 PM :

Thursday, September 13, 2001
Helping.org if you are interested in contributing to relief efforts. If you can, please make a cash donation to one or several of the institutions listed, 100% of your donation will go to help. Please don't forget about the United Way, call [1-800-give-life] for blood. Congratulations to Blogstalker, we are proud of you! My buddy Jimbo puts a face on this terrible tragedy.
7:55 AM :

Wednesday, September 12, 2001
I've been holding out for inspiration, or eloquence, awed by the courage of so many and saddened by the work of madmen and heretics. I want to believe that life will return to normal, I participate in the charade, going through the physical motions hoping to convince my heart and soul. I know this is a lie, that things will be different from now on and remain so for a long time. This wasn't a crime against a faceless government, it was a crime against humanity. I know that we must have courage and faith for those who may have lost their own. We must stay strong for those who are feeling weary, and carry on for those who have passed. I wish I had more to say, enough perhaps for an exhausting day in the United States. Peace and Love guys, you know who you are. Stay well.
9:39 PM :

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
Nothing else to note, peace is so very fragile....signing off for tonight. Stay strong.
9:38 PM :

It does seem so very far away at this hour. Not so desensitized but over saturated by sound bite and image. Impossible to comprehend such a desperate and powerful act of ignorance. Dinner in silence, it is so quiet without all the planes.
6:53 PM :

The view from here...
12:01 Watched the terrible news on CNN before class. My heart sank at the site of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. Hopeful of survivors, if one can hope for such a thing. Hurried off to class, living in the Midwest lulled into a false sense of safety. Worried about Chad, hope he is okay and John my best friend who is a pilot for American Airlines. Heart heavy at such violence but mindful of the day and work that lay ahead, trying to concentrate while listening to ABC radio. Arrival at University, classes canceled in order to set up massive blood drive. I make mad dash over to the library to obtain much needed materials before everything closes. The city, all governmental offices and landmarks are being evacuated. Possible hijacked plane w/bomb lands at airport. Suspicious Van on suburban freeway attracts attention of SWAT teams and Police alike, road closings. Motoring, the landmark World Trade Towers have collapsed even more loss of life, word of the Cardinal of NYC walking among the dead giving last rites, 'God Help Us'. Home, sister is waiting outside in her best Accounting Firm blues puffing madly on a Marlboro, we say nothing, shake our heads as is the case today. Sadness. Still worried about best friends, word comes via e-mail of Chad's safety. No word on John yet. Can't reach via cell phone although I think he is on 'Reserves' this week. Making coffee and writing this to take mind off of bad news. Sickened that Palestinian's are celebrating. Will not accept violence in the world, terrorism proves nothing, it's pointless. Peace is all we will accept. 12:17 more coffee.

12:48 More new coverage CNN, Fox, ABC, NBC, BBC etc. The Sears tower in Chicago was evacuated as well. Everyone I know is home as work and daily activities are now at a stand still. Homelife seems to go on ignoring the events. The sky is eerily quiet as airports all over the U.S. are closed. The dog is laying peacefully in the golden September sun near the garden. I'm sorting through papers, going to donate to the blood bank shortly, You should too. Our city will supply to DC and NYC.

3:16 Gave blood at the local hospital that has set up a blood drive. The Red Cross supply is low and they only have 1 or 2 days worth. As you probably already know, it is a painless process. Speculation and news is still being rehashed, I'm suffering from media overload at this moment. Unite and do what you can.
3:38 PM :

On this dark day, please try to make it out to the Red Cross to give blood.
8:28 AM :

Monday, September 10, 2001
Why yes, Jocko has been absent from class...
Baby, instant soup doesn't really grab me
Today I need something more sub sub sub substantial
A can of beans or blackeyed peas some Nescafe and ice
a candy bar a falling star or a reading of Dr. Seuss.

An adaptation or the romance of industry ghost walking with Tesla girls. The TV towers reach skyward and light up the night sky with a red glow. I know you haven't been there before but you've seen it crossing the country on car trips, in motor coach, by air as the spy plane canvases the country side. The Goodyear blimp, so close to home casts a shadow, even at night, blocks out the moon to travel out over the city. Driving the lost highway picking up George Jones on the radio, I wonder if I'll ever learn to shiver and shake. I remember the conversation around the fire, and the fine boys comment, I can't think what it means by saying it makes him shiver and shake. It must be something very wonderful, and that said, I've been on a search ever since. My parents were terribly vexed by my silliness and insistence on being in search of, on the lookout for...that which would make me shiver and shake. "Learn what you like" said Father "It's all the same to me. Take this money and go out into the world and make of it what you will." At daybreak the next morning, I took the money and set out on the road. Oh when will I learn to shiver and shake? When will I learn to be afraid. I traveled to the city where I knew I could make coffee and eggs. Within two weeks I learned the ins and outs of the diner business, "two chicks on a raft wreck em" I would say, with a smile, as it were. I met a punk rock boy who had a band, a guitar and a drug habit. He wanted to teach me to shiver and shake. Laughing he said "If this is all you wish to learn than I know of a fabulous opportunity in the city" His friend, the girl with the frosted lip shtick spoke, "Be silent now! Do you know how many people lost their lives through their curiosity? It would be a pity to lose a boy like this, to never see daylight again." I jumped at the chance "if it is so bad, I shall like to try to learn to shiver and shake as soon as possible" I gave the punk rock boy no rest 'til he explained the matter in detail to me. Finally he relented " Not far from here there is a place where you will easily learn to shiver and shake. A nightclub watched over by old trolls and bitchy demons. Many boys have gone before full of hope but they have not been heard from since. If you survive a night then you are assured great riches and the hand of the truest boy. I was not the least bit alarmed and gladly accepted the challenge. I put on my best carhart jeans and T-shirt, entering the underground. Entranced by the fantasy, bewildered by all the tasty flora and fauna I exclaimed "Oh! I shall never learn to shiver and shake." As I spoke a man walked in bigger and stronger than any of the others, with curly black hair and brown cocoa skin. Dr. Feelgood wanted to teach me to 'shiver and shake.' I had a love hangover that I wanted to get over but I had to resist. "I shall soon have you on the ground" he whispered. "Softly softly; do not boast, you may be strong but I am stronger." "That is to
be proved" said the man, if that is true then you must resist temptation and wait for what will truly make you shiver and shake." Turning I cut through the crowd, and soon the deep elixir of comfort and crowd soaked and lulled while the mirror ball cast a glow upon the room. The parade of tasty beauties, queens and club kids, stopped, the records slowed and daylight filtered into the deep vaults. In the morning, shirtless and exhausted although feeling rather refreshed I exited the strange place. Meeting the punk rock boy. "Well" he said in a happy voice "have you learned to shiver and shake?" "No' I replied "what was I to fear?" "Then you shall have the hand of the truest boy." Well, let me tell you, I didn't get the package immediatly, it was some time down the road, I met that handsome prince. Being the eager beaver I tried to bone him on our first date, he resisted as this was a very tight assed boy. He put my fire out with a large glass of ice water and that is how I learned to shiver and shake.
12:52 PM :